Creating a Marital Identity

When we were first married we rented an apartment just 3 miles away from the home I grew up in. We were still in the same ward as my parents. It was lovely to live close to my parents and have Sunday dinners together. We were readily accepted into the ward and were extended callings as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. However, I noticed that the members identified us as part of the Chase family, to the point that my husband was most often called Bro. Chase (my maiden name) even two years later. With this strong legacy around us, it was hard to establish our own identity. 

I feel like one of the best things we did was move to the opposite coast as our families. It allowed us to establish our own identity. People got to know us for who we are and not our family legacy. In the process, we discovered who we wanted to be, as a couple. Moving so far away was not easy, it took a lot of adjustment for me. In the beginning, I felt very lonely. At other times I felt helpless when I learned of the struggles of certain family members. However, we have grown so much together and learned to rely and depend on each other. We have created clear boundaries for ourselves and our extended family. 

Creating a marital identity requires discussing unspoken rules and expectations. It requires making compromises. One thing you have to decide is what traditions to keep and which ones to change. For example, stuffing at Thanksgiving. As a child, I never liked my mom’s stuffing, but I would pick out the bits of sausage to eat. My husband grew up with southern cornbread stuffing. When his family made it, it always seemed dry when it came out of the oven. Our solution: husband’s cornbread stuffing recipe but with added sausage and cooked in the crockpot like my mother’s. Best of both worlds. 

Now, I’m not saying that all decisions and compromises will be as easy as this stuffing. There will be plenty of difficult discussions. However, if you consider what is important to you and what is important to your spouse, it will make the process easier. You don’t have to do the same thing your parents did. You just have to determine what works best for you and your spouse. Then you will be creating your own marital identity.