Shared Meaning and a Culture of Love

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, ‘Choose your love; love your choice.’ There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.” (“Priesthood Power,” General Conference, April 2011).

I have loved the simplicity and power of that simple phrase. We live in a culture that we get to choose who we marry. That choice is based on feelings of romantic love. We “fall in love” with that special someone and choose to marry them. 

However, what happens after we are married? Do we treat our spouse with the same love and compassion that we did while courting? Often, we get buried by the daily tasks and responsibilities. We forget to show love for our spouse. 

I strongly believe that you can keep showing love for your spouse by having strong connections and shared meaning with each other. 

When my mother-in-law was visiting over Christmas she laughed and said, “You two have your own language.” I have since thought about that a great deal. And she was right. We do. Something that we have incorporated into our marriage is a unique way of communicating with each other. We are fluent in Disney quotes. There seems to be a Disney quote for just about every situation. We often have complete conversations using only Disney quotes. For us, it is almost like having an inside joke. It is a shared connection, a shared memory, something that we have experienced together, and something that we enjoy together. It is our way of speaking love and affection to each other. 

Another thing we used to do (had to give it up during school) was read books aloud to each other. It created our own private book club. Our chance to share a story together and talk about it. If the book was really good, we just couldn’t wait to spend more time together to read more of the book. While we don’t read aloud anymore, we still share books that we are reading (and with our daughters) and talk about it after we have both read it. Even if we aren't interested in reading the same book, we take the time to share what we like about what we are reading.

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman talked about couples creating their own culture. These cultures are full of customs, rituals, family lore, and even myths. They are each things that define who you are as a couple and a family. By creating your own cultures you are creating your own definition, your own story. 

Fondness and Appreciation

 In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other.”

A way to nurture your fondness and admiration for your spouse is to remember the positive things. This can be done by simply looking back at photo albums and scrapbooks. Another simple thing is to say “thank you” for any little thing your spouse does for you. Or you could make a list of the qualities you love in your spouse. 

One thing that we have done to foster fondness and appreciation is to buy a Christmas ornament for every trip we go on together. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is to me. Before I met my husband, I had only ever been to three states: California, Utah, and Idaho (and passing through Nevada and Arizona on the way). I’d always wanted to travel but never had the opportunity. By the time we hit 10 years of marriage we had been to 49 states. Those memories are special for us. And each Christmas as I unwrap the ornaments I am reminded of different moments on each of those trips. Each time, I newly appreciate how much he has opened my world to new experiences and points of views. 

Gottman said, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” This happens when we spend time with our spouse. Time to talk, time to listen, and time to share. For us, that time comes most when we travel, leaving the stress of daily life behind. 

Natural Man is an enemy to marriage

In the introduction of H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he states that as a youth he spent his time annoying and battling his siblings. This was probably part of our own natural survival instinct. Yet, Goddard realized that those survival instincts did not help create a healthy marriage relationship. Quite the opposite.

So, how do we overcome those natural tendencies?

In the Book of Mormon we read “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19)

I know very well that in today’s world some of those words have a negative connotation attached to them. Below I have also compared the natural man traits to those of a spiritual man, with added definitions.

Natural Man            Spiritual Man

· defiant                · submissive (able to conform to authority or will of others)

· arrogant              · meek (quiet, gentle)

· superior               · humble (modest estimate of own importance, teachable)

· impatient            · patient (accept or tolerate delays, problems or suffering)

· contempt            · full of love

· refuse to submit  · willing to submit

Now read that list again, this time thinking about how those words (or attitudes) can affect a marriage relationship.

The natural man marriage would never survive. Too often we think that being submissive and meek is a sign of weakness. However, it is a willingness to work with others. An acknowledgment that we may not have all the answers. Marriage is a partnership. An equal partnership. Partners cannot make decisions together unless they are willing to listen to the other’s thoughts, and open to the possibility that the thought may be better than your own.

I found it very interesting that both Goddard and John M. Gottman (in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) mentioned the difference between circumstance and character. When something goes wrong or our expectations are not met we generally have two reactions. We either excuse it as a matter of circumstance or situations (“he’s under a lot of stress right now”) or we blame a person’s character (“he’s lazy and selfish”). The actions were the same, but how we viewed it was different.

That difference is love. I believe it is our love of God, our love for our fellowman, and our love for our spouse that will help us to put off those natural tendencies. When we are full of love we can work with our spouse to make a better life together. I have found in my own marriage that when I am full of love for my spouse I am more forgiving, more compassionate, more willing to do things that will make him happy.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.” (General Conference, “The Great Commandment,” October 2007)

Individualism vs. Commitment to spouse

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, of the Seventy, said that every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. They are 1) natural adversity, 2) imperfections of one another, and 3) excessive individualism. I think the biggest challenge to our society today is excessive individualism. 

“The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)

“The overarching intent of the father of lies is that all of us would become ‘miserable like unto himself’ (2 Ne. 2:27), and he works to warp the elements of the Father’s plan he hates the most. Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family. Throughout the world, we see growing evidence of the effectiveness of Satan’s efforts.” (Elder David A. Bednar, “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign, June 2006)

I have found that individualism has been a big challenge for myself and those I love. We have come to think of our own needs, wants, and desires above anyone else. Too often we become upset as we think, “what about me?” 

Yes, I recognize that we each need time to rejuvenate, to relax, and to recover from stresses and demands of daily life. There are a few, usually mothers of young children, who do not get enough time for themselves to be at their best. However, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being so focused on self that the needs of those you love -–your family–- are not being met. 

I believe that marriage is a partnership. In marriage, we work together to create a happy and loving environment for our family and each other. Everyone needs to be contributing to that effort. The challenge comes when we start keeping a tally of who has done what. Or simply, only putting in an effort for your own personal gain. This is when one says, “what’s in it for me?” Marriage is not for personal gain, but it is a commitment to support each other.

Elder Hafen compared our commitment to marriage with hirelings and the good shepherd. Those who view marriage as a hireling will flee at the first sign of trouble or work required. Whereas the good shepherd “lay down my life for the sheep.” Since I have been married, I have learned that marriage is about commitment, more than anything else. A commitment to work things out together and stick to it, to raise children together, to rely on one another, and to work toward the same goals. Elder Hafen said that we gain the strength to endure our trials “when we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice.” 

Elder Hafen continued, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)