Individualism vs. Commitment to spouse

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, of the Seventy, said that every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. They are 1) natural adversity, 2) imperfections of one another, and 3) excessive individualism. I think the biggest challenge to our society today is excessive individualism. 

“The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)

“The overarching intent of the father of lies is that all of us would become ‘miserable like unto himself’ (2 Ne. 2:27), and he works to warp the elements of the Father’s plan he hates the most. Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family. Throughout the world, we see growing evidence of the effectiveness of Satan’s efforts.” (Elder David A. Bednar, “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign, June 2006)

I have found that individualism has been a big challenge for myself and those I love. We have come to think of our own needs, wants, and desires above anyone else. Too often we become upset as we think, “what about me?” 

Yes, I recognize that we each need time to rejuvenate, to relax, and to recover from stresses and demands of daily life. There are a few, usually mothers of young children, who do not get enough time for themselves to be at their best. However, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being so focused on self that the needs of those you love -–your family–- are not being met. 

I believe that marriage is a partnership. In marriage, we work together to create a happy and loving environment for our family and each other. Everyone needs to be contributing to that effort. The challenge comes when we start keeping a tally of who has done what. Or simply, only putting in an effort for your own personal gain. This is when one says, “what’s in it for me?” Marriage is not for personal gain, but it is a commitment to support each other.

Elder Hafen compared our commitment to marriage with hirelings and the good shepherd. Those who view marriage as a hireling will flee at the first sign of trouble or work required. Whereas the good shepherd “lay down my life for the sheep.” Since I have been married, I have learned that marriage is about commitment, more than anything else. A commitment to work things out together and stick to it, to raise children together, to rely on one another, and to work toward the same goals. Elder Hafen said that we gain the strength to endure our trials “when we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice.” 

Elder Hafen continued, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)