Couple time

"There is a difference between adjusting your marriage to meet your children's needs and losing your marriage to parenthood" (William J. Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage, 2013). 

Let's face it, as much as we love our children, they are very needy individuals. Sometimes it feels we are on-call more than the convenience store 7-11, but 24/7. It is easy to get lost in the demands of parenthood. Even easier to forget and neglect the needs of the marriage relationship. 

If you feel you don't have time for your spouse (because you are too exhausted from work and children), then here are some suggestions from Dr. Doherty's book:

• Your marriage is the foundation of your family and the cornerstone of your children's security.
• In order to have a balance between your marriage and your children, you need to lean towards your marriage.
• You need time to hang out as a family.
• You need time to hang out as a couple.
• Fixed bedtimes for your children allow for alone time as a couple.
• Don't let your children interrupt your conversations.
• Limit the time you devote to help with homework. 
• Establish a private time for yourselves as a couple.
• Establish a private space. Teach your children to respect closed doors.
• Go on regular dates together.
• Get away for an occasional weekend together without children.
• Let your children know you are setting limits on your attention and availability for them because you love your spouse and want to keep that relationship strong.

When you do find that time together, make sure you are truly listening to each other. "One of the most charitable demonstrations in marriage is to truly focus on your spouse and listen to him or her—really listen—regardless of what we want to say. Being heard is akin to being loved; in fact, being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation. By listening, we are saying to our spouse, 'You matter to me, I love you, and what you have to say is important.'" (Mark Ogletree, "Speak, Listen, & Love," Ensign, Feb 2014)

Creating a Marital Identity

When we were first married we rented an apartment just 3 miles away from the home I grew up in. We were still in the same ward as my parents. It was lovely to live close to my parents and have Sunday dinners together. We were readily accepted into the ward and were extended callings as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. However, I noticed that the members identified us as part of the Chase family, to the point that my husband was most often called Bro. Chase (my maiden name) even two years later. With this strong legacy around us, it was hard to establish our own identity. 

I feel like one of the best things we did was move to the opposite coast as our families. It allowed us to establish our own identity. People got to know us for who we are and not our family legacy. In the process, we discovered who we wanted to be, as a couple. Moving so far away was not easy, it took a lot of adjustment for me. In the beginning, I felt very lonely. At other times I felt helpless when I learned of the struggles of certain family members. However, we have grown so much together and learned to rely and depend on each other. We have created clear boundaries for ourselves and our extended family. 

Creating a marital identity requires discussing unspoken rules and expectations. It requires making compromises. One thing you have to decide is what traditions to keep and which ones to change. For example, stuffing at Thanksgiving. As a child, I never liked my mom’s stuffing, but I would pick out the bits of sausage to eat. My husband grew up with southern cornbread stuffing. When his family made it, it always seemed dry when it came out of the oven. Our solution: husband’s cornbread stuffing recipe but with added sausage and cooked in the crockpot like my mother’s. Best of both worlds. 

Now, I’m not saying that all decisions and compromises will be as easy as this stuffing. There will be plenty of difficult discussions. However, if you consider what is important to you and what is important to your spouse, it will make the process easier. You don’t have to do the same thing your parents did. You just have to determine what works best for you and your spouse. Then you will be creating your own marital identity.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

There are many decisions to be made in life. Every day you decide when to get up, what to eat for breakfast, and what clothing to wear. Other decisions are more important. Such as how to spend your money or what to do with your time. Most of my life, these decisions had a very little impact on those around me. 

However, once married, they have a greater impact. There are now two of you with different opinions. The decision of either one has an effect on the other and their family. 

So, how do we make decisions together when we have different opinions?

When discussing how LDS Church councils are run, President Stephen L. Richards said, “men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive in an accord, and that accord … represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit” (quoted in Counseling with our Councils, by M. Russel Ballard, p. 44). I think the key here is that they come with the Spirit and with love for each other. 

“The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention.” (Henry B. Eyring, “That We May Be One,” General Conference, April 1998) That same Spirit helps us discuss items of importance “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and my love unfeigned” (D&C 121:41). 

Our decision making is not a competition of who is right and who is wrong. It is not a scoreboard for who gets their way. Our decisions must be made with unity. We must both agree and feel at peace with the decision.

“A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power. … A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.” (Henry B. Eyring, “That We May Be One,” General Conference, April 1998)

We need to remember that we are working toward the same goal. We can work together to achieve those dreams.

Fidelity

Growing up in the LDS church, we are taught the law of chastity from a young age. We are taught “the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). This means abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage. 

I think most people understand what it means to obey the law of chastity when you are single. But what about when you are married? What exactly does fidelity mean?

Fidelity is faithfulness to a person demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support. 

Fidelity is more than just not having sex with someone other than your spouse. D&C 42:22-23 reads, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else. And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit."

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” (“To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987)

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Faith Precedes the Miracle, 142–43.)

“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” (Kenneth W. Matheson, “Fidelity in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep. 2009)

I remember early in my marriage, I often turned to my mother for support, for advice, and to talk about my day. My husband was busy working and going to graduate school. I felt I wasn’t getting enough time, so I turned to my mother for companionship and support. This did not improve our marriage. Those simple conversations with my mother quickly turned into complaints and nitpicking of my spouse. What I thought was meeting my needs (someone to talk to) was causing a separation in my marriage. I was not being respectful of my husband in my conversations with others. I was not being loyal to him and not fostering peace in our relationship. 

Now, we turn toward each other for companionship and support. It not always easy. I usually have a lot to say and he is not naturally inclined to listen. But we work it out. We try to be transparent to each other in all our doings, especially regarding conversations with the opposite sex. This has fostered loyalty, trust, and peace in our marriage. Maybe those words are not romantic, but they create a firm foundation. 

Charity

This week we have finished reading two books on marriage: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. Both books are very valuable and well worth reading.

Why are there so many books about marriage? President Spencer W. Kimball said:

There must be something else then that makes marriages successful. The truth is marriage requires work. President Gordon B. Hinckley said: 

The problem is, there are many different opinions on what makes a marriage work.

I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that I need charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Goddard broke charity down into three parts: love from Christ, love for Christ, and love like Christ. First, we all receive love from Christ. We can feel that love as we realize and ponder the miracle of His Atonement for us. Second, “we love him, because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). We instinctively love Him in return when we feel the love that He has for us. Then, we try to love as Christ does. “That ye love one another; as I have loved you” (John 13:34).

Loving as Christ loves is not an easy task. It requires loving ourselves, our spouse, our family, and everyone else with the same purity as Christ.

How do we even begin to possess this pure love of Christ? First, it is a choice. We must choose to look for the good in others (and ourselves). Then we must “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48). Specifically, President Henry B. Eyring said:

When we pray for this love we will be blessed to see the good in our spouse. We will be blessed to have our own love grow. With that foundation of love, we can be more forgiving of ourselves and our spouse. 

Forgiveness in Marriage

We are not perfect beings. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Usually, we are very aware of our own weaknesses. I know what things I need to work on. I am trying to do better. I know I am not perfect. I also know that I am not going to become perfect anytime soon.

But what about my spouse? I have to admit it is easy for me to get upset when he does something wrong. I seem to have a hard time forgetting past mistakes. I don’t usually think about those past mistakes on a daily basis. But when one of them is repeated (and I am inclined to be upset) all of a sudden every past instance is brought to my mind in clear details. It is as if I have some secret card catalog tucked away in my brain. Once that card catalog is triggered, all the cards come spilling out at once.

This is not a recipe for a happy, healthy marriage. This is no way to treat my spouse. If I had truly forgiven him of past mistakes, then why am I holding on to this card catalog in my mind?

President James E. Faust said, “We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us.” (“The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” General Conference, April 2007). He continued, “The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge.”

It is only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can let go of the hurt I feel inside. He has the power to heal. This concept is beautifully illustrated in the book, The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers to Heal Our Hearts and Homes by James L. Ferrell. I read it several years ago. I think it is time to read it again. I want to cleanse and purify my heart. I want to be healed by my Savior's love. I want to see my husband as he truly is --a son of God with the potential for perfection. Just like me.

Make a Change

We love to watch movies. I find movies much more enjoyable watching them with my husband because he gets really into them. Laughing out loud at home or in the theater. One movie that is especially fun to watch with him is The Lego Batman Movie. So much funnier with him around.

The movie starts out with a quote from Michael Jackson, that is changed be credited to Batman. 

This comes from Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror.” The song goes on to say, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways.” In essence, Michael Jackson realized that the best way to make the world better was to make a change within himself, the man in the mirror.

In marriage, it is far too easy to pick out the faults in our spouse. We are “inclined to love [ourselves] and fix others. God has asked up to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” This reminded me of the verses found in Matthew 7:3-5:

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

The truth of the matter is, no one is perfect. No one. Instead of focusing on the imperfections of our spouse, we should be focusing on our own. We don’t have the power to change our spouse. We can’t make them stop doing anything. But we do have the power to change ourselves. We can make a change in our own lives.

It isn’t easy. It takes an honest self-inspection. Recognizing our own weaknesses requires letting go of pride. Then, it takes humility and repentance to be willing to change. Some things in our lives may be very hard to change. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard mentioned the repentance paradox. “In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power. We must turn ourselves over to Christ completely” (Goddard, 73). We must throw ourselves completely on the merits and mercy of Jesus Christ. “When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles” (Goddard, 75).

I was reminded this week of how much I need the Savior. I don’t have the power to make all the changes I need to. But, if I give my heart and my will to the Savior, He can create something far better than I could ever imagine.

(“Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” by Robert Robinson)

Shared Meaning and a Culture of Love

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, ‘Choose your love; love your choice.’ There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.” (“Priesthood Power,” General Conference, April 2011).

I have loved the simplicity and power of that simple phrase. We live in a culture that we get to choose who we marry. That choice is based on feelings of romantic love. We “fall in love” with that special someone and choose to marry them. 

However, what happens after we are married? Do we treat our spouse with the same love and compassion that we did while courting? Often, we get buried by the daily tasks and responsibilities. We forget to show love for our spouse. 

I strongly believe that you can keep showing love for your spouse by having strong connections and shared meaning with each other. 

When my mother-in-law was visiting over Christmas she laughed and said, “You two have your own language.” I have since thought about that a great deal. And she was right. We do. Something that we have incorporated into our marriage is a unique way of communicating with each other. We are fluent in Disney quotes. There seems to be a Disney quote for just about every situation. We often have complete conversations using only Disney quotes. For us, it is almost like having an inside joke. It is a shared connection, a shared memory, something that we have experienced together, and something that we enjoy together. It is our way of speaking love and affection to each other. 

Another thing we used to do (had to give it up during school) was read books aloud to each other. It created our own private book club. Our chance to share a story together and talk about it. If the book was really good, we just couldn’t wait to spend more time together to read more of the book. While we don’t read aloud anymore, we still share books that we are reading (and with our daughters) and talk about it after we have both read it. Even if we aren't interested in reading the same book, we take the time to share what we like about what we are reading.

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman talked about couples creating their own culture. These cultures are full of customs, rituals, family lore, and even myths. They are each things that define who you are as a couple and a family. By creating your own cultures you are creating your own definition, your own story. 

Fondness and Appreciation

 In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other.”

A way to nurture your fondness and admiration for your spouse is to remember the positive things. This can be done by simply looking back at photo albums and scrapbooks. Another simple thing is to say “thank you” for any little thing your spouse does for you. Or you could make a list of the qualities you love in your spouse. 

One thing that we have done to foster fondness and appreciation is to buy a Christmas ornament for every trip we go on together. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is to me. Before I met my husband, I had only ever been to three states: California, Utah, and Idaho (and passing through Nevada and Arizona on the way). I’d always wanted to travel but never had the opportunity. By the time we hit 10 years of marriage we had been to 49 states. Those memories are special for us. And each Christmas as I unwrap the ornaments I am reminded of different moments on each of those trips. Each time, I newly appreciate how much he has opened my world to new experiences and points of views. 

Gottman said, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” This happens when we spend time with our spouse. Time to talk, time to listen, and time to share. For us, that time comes most when we travel, leaving the stress of daily life behind. 

Natural Man is an enemy to marriage

In the introduction of H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he states that as a youth he spent his time annoying and battling his siblings. This was probably part of our own natural survival instinct. Yet, Goddard realized that those survival instincts did not help create a healthy marriage relationship. Quite the opposite.

So, how do we overcome those natural tendencies?

In the Book of Mormon we read “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19)

I know very well that in today’s world some of those words have a negative connotation attached to them. Below I have also compared the natural man traits to those of a spiritual man, with added definitions.

Natural Man            Spiritual Man

· defiant                · submissive (able to conform to authority or will of others)

· arrogant              · meek (quiet, gentle)

· superior               · humble (modest estimate of own importance, teachable)

· impatient            · patient (accept or tolerate delays, problems or suffering)

· contempt            · full of love

· refuse to submit  · willing to submit

Now read that list again, this time thinking about how those words (or attitudes) can affect a marriage relationship.

The natural man marriage would never survive. Too often we think that being submissive and meek is a sign of weakness. However, it is a willingness to work with others. An acknowledgment that we may not have all the answers. Marriage is a partnership. An equal partnership. Partners cannot make decisions together unless they are willing to listen to the other’s thoughts, and open to the possibility that the thought may be better than your own.

I found it very interesting that both Goddard and John M. Gottman (in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) mentioned the difference between circumstance and character. When something goes wrong or our expectations are not met we generally have two reactions. We either excuse it as a matter of circumstance or situations (“he’s under a lot of stress right now”) or we blame a person’s character (“he’s lazy and selfish”). The actions were the same, but how we viewed it was different.

That difference is love. I believe it is our love of God, our love for our fellowman, and our love for our spouse that will help us to put off those natural tendencies. When we are full of love we can work with our spouse to make a better life together. I have found in my own marriage that when I am full of love for my spouse I am more forgiving, more compassionate, more willing to do things that will make him happy.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.” (General Conference, “The Great Commandment,” October 2007)

Individualism vs. Commitment to spouse

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, of the Seventy, said that every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. They are 1) natural adversity, 2) imperfections of one another, and 3) excessive individualism. I think the biggest challenge to our society today is excessive individualism. 

“The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)

“The overarching intent of the father of lies is that all of us would become ‘miserable like unto himself’ (2 Ne. 2:27), and he works to warp the elements of the Father’s plan he hates the most. Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family. Throughout the world, we see growing evidence of the effectiveness of Satan’s efforts.” (Elder David A. Bednar, “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign, June 2006)

I have found that individualism has been a big challenge for myself and those I love. We have come to think of our own needs, wants, and desires above anyone else. Too often we become upset as we think, “what about me?” 

Yes, I recognize that we each need time to rejuvenate, to relax, and to recover from stresses and demands of daily life. There are a few, usually mothers of young children, who do not get enough time for themselves to be at their best. However, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being so focused on self that the needs of those you love -–your family–- are not being met. 

I believe that marriage is a partnership. In marriage, we work together to create a happy and loving environment for our family and each other. Everyone needs to be contributing to that effort. The challenge comes when we start keeping a tally of who has done what. Or simply, only putting in an effort for your own personal gain. This is when one says, “what’s in it for me?” Marriage is not for personal gain, but it is a commitment to support each other.

Elder Hafen compared our commitment to marriage with hirelings and the good shepherd. Those who view marriage as a hireling will flee at the first sign of trouble or work required. Whereas the good shepherd “lay down my life for the sheep.” Since I have been married, I have learned that marriage is about commitment, more than anything else. A commitment to work things out together and stick to it, to raise children together, to rely on one another, and to work toward the same goals. Elder Hafen said that we gain the strength to endure our trials “when we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice.” 

Elder Hafen continued, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996)

Defining Marriage

Elder Nelson taught one of the more demanding opportunities of our time is to stand as a disciple of Christ by standing up for truth regarding the sacred nature of marriage (Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage, 14 Aug 2014, Commencement).

He said, “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. … It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!”

Who are we to alter what God created?

Yet that is what we have done.

In Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) the case asked the Supreme Court to review two questions: 1) whether a State must recognize a same-sex marriage that is licensed and performed in a State which does grant and recognize that right, and 2) whether States are required to license a marriage between two people of the same sex. The majority decision (5 of the 9 Justices) stated it was a constitutional right to extend marriage to include same-sex couples. At that point in time, only 11 states (including District of Columbia) had altered their definition of marriage to include same-sex couples. Whereas, 38 states had recently added (by a vote of the people) a clear definition of marriage as only between a man and a woman.

The dissenting Justices (4 of the 9) main argument against the conclusion was the process by which same-sex marriage was legalized: by five unelected judges. They took power away from the States, from the people, and from American democracy. The judicial branch interprets the law, it does not create the law.

So, where do we go from here?

Elder Nelson said we need to defend marriage.

How do we do that when the law was changed?

We continue the conversation. We continue to share our beliefs. We do not shy away from the topic.

Preserve the Family

I am one of those who believes deeply in the family. I believe that family needs to be protected and preserved. But what am I doing actively to protect and preserve it? 

First and foremost, I am trying to strengthen the bonds in my own family. This means sitting down and eating dinner together (without phones or other devices) as often as possible. This means doing activities together as a family. Whether it is watching a movie or television show as a family or playing a game together. My family, especially the children, love it when we spend time enjoying an activity together. It is through activities like these that we create opportunities for quality time together. 

Second, it means sharing the values and principles that will preserve the family. I think one challenge today is that the view of marriage has changed.

Marriage is a critical element for the benefit of the next generation. And yet, many people don’t believe marriage is important anymore. They believe that partnership can take the place of marriage. Yet these partnerships typically do not last as long as marriages. 

I believe one way to preserve marriage is to keep intimacy in marriage. Do not allow intimacy outside of marriage. The new social norm of “casual intimacy” seems to go directly against the ideals of marriage. Casual intimacy is an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp. There is nothing casual about intimacy. Intimacy establishes a connection, a feeling of closeness and familiarity. These connections are what tether us to one another. They are the ties that bind people together. Those ties and tethers are what help us through difficult situations and circumstances. I want to be firmly tethered to a safe harbor. Marriage and family is that safe harbor. 

We need to turn away from “casual intimacy” and return to the institution of marriage. We need to preserve and protect the family. We can do this by strengthening the bonds in our own families.